My husband’s one pet peeve of my driving is that when I follow a too-slow driver that I cannot pass, I unconsciously pulse my foot on and off the accelerator as I creep closer and closer to the bumper. I guess I think I can will the car in front of me to move faster with my own gas pedal. It never works, and only leaves my husband seasick, and me irritable that I cannot make the Lincoln in front of me drive my speed.
I often treat my husband like that poky Lincoln when we are running late. At 5:45 in the morning, when I am trying to get us out the door for my 6:00 a.m. yoga class, he is putting on his pants and checking the weather app on his phone. I am reluctant to order him around (because I do not want to be Bossy Wife ever again) so I hover, dropping comments (are you ready yet? Can I do anything to help you? I really don’t want to be late) because I hate being late. But yet, I often am. It is easy to blame him when we show up late together, but I know the truth: I would still be rushing in at the last minute even if it was just me.
My mother says I have always tried to pack every day full. On my seventh or eighth birthday, my family managed to throw me a birthday party, went shopping, and saw the Christmas tree lighting on the square in my hometown. She said I still cried afterwards because there was one more thing I wanted to do. As a young adult in college, I always tried to make one more thing happen. I see my college self in my current students who run from workouts to class, breathless and sweaty, dripping coffee on their sleeves. I see it in my student who, at the last minute, signs up for twenty-one credit hours, then flustered and overworked, drops them, one by one, until she is down to thirteen credits and has to take extra courses in the summer to make it up. I see this, because these are all still things I do. The only difference is that in 2017, I have a smart phone that lets me contact students, colleagues, and friends when I am running late for meetings and coffee dates. Which is often.
This semester I began with a goal to be at least ten minutes early to my morning classes. I failed at that immediately. The first day I told myself I had time for a five-mile run because I could get ready in twenty minutes. And I did—but had to skip coffee and a real breakfast. What I sometimes forget to tell myself is that my husband is the one who keeps me fed and caffeinated; I also sometimes forget to tell myself I need these things.
When we studied satya during my two-hundred hour teacher training, we talked about being so honest with our time and commitments that we never had to apologize for not making our deadlines. The idea of being able to live this way blew me away. I had been saying “I’m sorry, I’m running late” so long that I had almost gotten used to it. In faculty meetings, I often hear a colleague talk about margin—leaving enough time between events to get from one place to another. I used to think of margin as time to spend, as I used to think of food and sleep as something to skip. Maybe I could get away with my ignorance then, but the more I learn about holistic health, and the more I honestly observe my own body, the more I know see my unhappiness and stress when I shortchange my sleep and my time. Just because I can get ready in twenty minutes, or go to work on four hours of sleep, doesn’t mean that I should. I know that now, and ignoring this satya will be detrimental to me as well as the people in my life.
In learning the truth about how to care for my body, I’ve also been confronted with my own tendency to not speak the truth about my relationships. In my last marriage to an irresponsible person, I often found myself resentfully cleaning up messes and trying to “mother” him out the door so that we wouldn’t be late. In public, I put on a smile and came up with excuses for why he didn’t have a job or why we were in debt. Instead of saying what I wanted (please clean up your messes; please respect my time) I would internalize the words—because they would lead to a fight I couldn’t win—and express, passive-aggressively, my annoyance. That didn’t work. In this marriage, I sometimes still fall into my old habit of trying to make him do what I want instead of honestly expressing what frustrates me, and what I need. Giving myself margin means I have time to realize I have a safe relationship, and can be truthful even if it means an uncomfortable conversation. Satya, it turns out, is not only about not lying but actively telling the truth.
Because I’m being honest, I know I still have a problem with time (I wrote the original draft of this with twenty minutes to spare until my deadline), and a problem with tailgating. I would still prefer it if everyone operated at the same pace as me. But the thing about honesty is that once you see it, it’s hard to go backward. Now, rushing from one thing to the next makes me feel almost sick to my stomach, giving me some empathy for my seasick husband sitting next to me in the car.